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When your Sun is in the 7th house or Libra, basically the direct opposite of everything that it wants (The 1st house or Aries), you are born asking yourself these questions: “Will this kill other people?” “Will others look stupid?” “Will people like you after I do this to you?” It sounds like I’m a fucking saint, right? My entire existence was put here to make sure you are okay, before I even think about myself.

But I’m not a saint. No. I’m pretty passive aggressive, and quite the backstabbing bitch, actually. Though, I always feel bad about it, so that’s got to account for something, right?

I want to tell you a story about me when I was 23. I thought this boy was cute. He was the sparkly blue-eyed, brown haired boy of every girl’s fantasy. He didn’t say much about anything, unless it was sarcastic, and he really, really, really liked me. But that didn’t matter. You see, my best friend in the entire world was in young lust with him. And the stars pointed to their synastry chart, as being the clear winner. And so I backed down.

Sidenote: This is also the reason why I think using Astrology to find your soul mate is extremely detrimental to your health. “I don’t care that he doesn’t love me! He’s my soul mate! Our synastry shows it!” “I don’t care that he beats me, and that he’s married! He’s my soulmate, we have the best relationship that the psychic down the street ever saw!” You will make the fate you want, and use the stars to allow you to barrel down that rabbit hole through manifestation, because we are crazy, and ultimately in charge of own destiny.

It didn’t matter that I backed down. This boy didn’t. He would follow me around like a lost puppy, all blue-eyed and ironic and shit. And of course, I grew to like him–he was perfect after all, as I was clearly not the only one to notice.

You know, my friend is an extremely intelligent and beautiful person, and I love her dearly-–but we were both so wrong in love. And I wasn’t a good friend. I didn’t want to break her heart, so I just pretended not to like him. She even asked me if I did, and with a straight face, I said, “Of course not.” Looking back, I don’t even think I thought I was lying. I think I believed me.

One night, I got pretty drunk on shots that the boy kept buying me. He lived really close to the bar, and kept begging me to let him take me home. I finally told him that I couldn’t go with him, because of my best friend, and he scoffed, “But I want you.” And right in front of everyone he kissed me. And my best friend saw. At that moment, I figured I was screwed anyway, and so I went home with him. Spoiler alert! There was no actual screwing, but a lot of snogging, as the brits say. His Sun in the 12th house self, took a hit off a pipe, and then we passed out.

The next day, I was in huge trouble. Like the kind of trouble you feel from your mom when you accidentally eat ALL THE COOKIES. But it only lasted the day, that night my best friend came over to my house and scolded me.

And I will never forget what she said,

“I know that you do selfish things all the time and most people just cut you out of their lives forever. But I don’t think you will learn anything if I do that. So I want you to know that I am not happy with you, that I don’t understand why you did that to me, but that I think we can work through it.”

She has her Mars in Capricorn.

We talked for a long time, and I never argued with her. Because in that moment I kept thinking, “Will she still like me after this conversation?” “Will she feel better if I agree with her?” “Can I make her happy?” And I didn’t for a second, even think about me. Honest to God, I buried my feelings for my friend, and I agreed with her.

After all, I probably was selfish. I should have told her the moment that I knew I liked him. I probably was selfish for denying my feelings to make everyone at peace in harmony, even though I let things happen that were not supposed to happen. I let everyone down, because I denied my ego what it wanted, and in turn, my ego took it anyway. And I was the one who had to pick up the pieces, not my stupid selfish ego that’s always ruining my life.

So after this story, you’re probably like, “Wow, I just read the most superficial, shallow story ever.” And you’re right. You did. Everything in my Libra 7th house life is superficial. But the point is that I was always so busy thinking about pleasing everyone around me, that they started living their life according to the rules that I set for them. And what I thought I was doing was allowing other egos to coexist with mine, but they had other plans. You cannot sit back and let someone else tell you who you are, but you also can’t expect your life to be a cakewalk, without looking at yourself.

When my best friend told me that I was selfish, I took it to heart. Not because I was the only selfish one. No. I was definitely 1 of 3 in a love triangle of selfishness, but I wasn’t going to ignore the lesson just to make myself feel better. I was selfish without realizing it.

I always remember that story when I think about how to respond to my ego needs. I am good for putting other people before me, but when it goes too far I am no longer good–I am resentful and rude and I do things that make me look like a total bitch.

Even now, I recently had someone stay in my home for free, leave the place in worse shape than when she got here, and all the while she critiqued the way in which I ran my home. “You never cook, at my home I always make time to have home cooked meals.” “You should probably make another video for your channel, or your subscribers are going to leave you.” “I can’t believe your son doesn’t care that your place is such a mess.”

So I was silent, and just let her do it, mostly because she is young and mannerless, and that may or may not be her fault. But at the end of it all, she chose to tell me that I was ego-centric, and rude because it was so hard for her to get up the courage to give me constructive criticism, and I was wrong for not taking it.

So be it. I may not always be in the right, I may play a martyr at times, because I expect people to be better than they end up being. But I’m no longer a child, and I don’t get to allow my 7th house Sun to rule me in such a backwards way. I can be kind, but also care about who I am, and know when I have to end a relationship.

Maybe in each instance, I was the one who let it go too far, but I don’t have to let those things define me. I can’t change anyone else, but I can choose to be the best version of myself.

Alyssa Sharpe

Alyssa Sharpe is an Astrologer, YouTuber, Artist, Writer and Creator of the Ascension System. Follow her on Instagram, and subscribe to her YouTube channel for more.